Lonely September
by BandGeek58407
Summary: SongFic to Plain White T's song of same name. "Don't say you didn't love me back, 'cause you know you did..." Slash, BenRiley and some BenAbi.


**So…I've never done a songfic before. I hope it turns out all right, 'cause as soon as I heard this song it just screamed "hey! Make me a songfic!" You know…since songs can talk.**

**PS – Riley's POV.**

**Disclaimer: Oh, how I wished I owned National Treasure. But alas, I do not. And I also don't own the song either ("Lonely September" by Plain White T's). **

**_Lonely September_**

_I'm sitting here all by myself Just trying to think of something to do_

Rain taps lightly on the windows to my apartment. It's a Saturday night. Shouldn't I be out…y'know…doing something? Sure, I should be. But I have no one to do it with.

_I'm trying to think of something, anything_

_Just to keep me from thinking of you_

I could be doing something with him—no. Not with him…too much pain. Where's a distraction when you need one? 

_But you know it's not working out _

'_Cause you're all that's on my mind_

But how can I not think of him? He's everything to me: my sun, my sky, my very sustenance…but he severed every link. Now…now he's my sun that's set, my bleeding sky, my stale piece of bread. By all means, he's still there, but further away—unattainable.

_One thought of you is all it takes _

_To leave the rest of the world behind_

Gah…I'm already on that train of thought…my living room disappears…and he's there, waiting…not for Abigail…but for me…

_And I didn't mean for this to go_

_As far as it did_

It just popped out one day, the fact that I love him. I mean…I knew he was with Abigail, but energy drinks force me to say things I would normally keep quiet…like _that_. But…before I knew it, he had me in a passionate kiss—the best of my life, while knowing that I was loved. But it didn't stop at that night. In any other circumstance, I would have questioned him leading this dual lifestyle—it was so unlike him. Yet at the beginning he didn't seem to care.

_And I didn't mean to get so close_

_And share what we did_

While Abigail was away on trips for work, I'd stay the night. We'd watch movies, play Monopoly…he'd always let me have the dog piece and even let me win. And then we'd go to bed, but we wouldn't fall asleep for a couple hours at least. Before, I would never have thought that this would have ever happened…

_And I didn't mean to fall in love_

_But I did_

When he smiled, I was euphoric; when he so much as sighed, I was dispirited right there with him. He could do no wrong. Every time he looked at me or brushed against me, my entire chest knotted up and a smile came to my face.

_And you didn't mean to love me back _

_But I know you did_

I could tell there was some guilt hidden in his conscience. But the way his eyes smiled when he looked at me…

_I'm sitting here trying to convince myself_

_That you're not the one for me_

It was a fling, I keep telling myself. After all, shouldn't I be with…a girl? Someone other than my best friend? The entire ordeal was one big mistake in judgment.

_But the more I think the less I believe it_

_And the more I want you here with me_

How can I say that? A mistake? How can a mistake make you feel so elated at every waking moment? I'm so confused. But I have no one to turn to. I can't turn to him—he's gone, always in the distance but just beyond my fingertips. But he's the one I need so desperately. He always understood.

_You know the holidays are coming up _

_I don't want to spend them alone_

_Memories of Christmas time with you_

_Will just kill me if I'm on my own_

Where else will I go for Christmas? My nonexistent family? I can't go to his house—too awkward. I'd be sent away before Abigail even knows I was there. I wonder if she knows what went on, if he confessed. Knowing him, he probably did.

_And I didn't mean for this to go_

_As far as it did_

Days turned into weeks…weeks to months…I'd never been so content with my life. Things weren't messing themselves up for once…

_And I didn't mean to get so close_

_And share what we did_

When Abigail didn't take enough business trips, he would slip over to my house for a night every once and a while for a "guy's night." Abigail even suggested it a couple times, even. He had "seemed stressed"…

_And I didn't mean to fall in love_

_But I did_

Falling asleep in his arms on the couch was enough to make me forget my troubles… 

_And you didn't mean to love me back _

After a disagreement with Abigail, he'd always have a small, guilt-ridden frown—one that became a bit more common as the months wore on.

_I know it's not the smartest thing to do_

I glance out my window from my favorite armchair; there's a bus stop on the sidewalk in view. And…it's them. Him and Abigail…under an umbrella, waiting for the bus. Should I make my presence known…so he can pointedly avoid my gaze? No…I can just…be ignored…

_We just can't seem to get it right_

Why couldn't we have done this earlier, later, when Abigail wasn't a factor? We thought we were moving in the right direction, but it wasn't so…

_Oh what I wouldn't give _

_To have one more chance tonight_

I can't help it: I'm staring. They're talking about something or other, and Abigail's laughing at him, shoving him playfully on the shoulder. That could be…and was…me. Not anymore. I watch my nightmare from afar, knowing this is probably the closest I'll ever get. But the urge, surging from my toes to the ends of my ears, is pushing me to run from my door and straight to my haven in his arms and to not care what she will say or think. Yet my brain says no. You have no more chances, Riley. You've spent your nine lives, and you're not even a cat.

_Sitting here trying to entertain myself_

_With this old guitar_

I try playing Guitar Hero. Normally, it can get my mind far enough away so I'm not consciously worrying—not tonight.

_But with all my inspiration gone_

_It's not getting me very far_

I miss every note and the dull thunk of failure echoes from my speakers each time. He used to watch me play, every note hit perfectly, then try it himself on "easy" and fail; but he'd fail with a smile, something I can't do. Instead, I fail with a groan and look back outside. They're still there—the bus schedule tonight is deciding to torture me.

_I look around my room and everything I see_

_Reminds me of you_

Under the seat the plastic guitar goes, along with the memories. But everything—the bureau he accidentally fell into the night we played Twister, the beat-up couch where we used to just sit and talk, the ottoman where we first kissed as a "couple"—can't fit under the seat. There's only so much room…but it's all such a gruesome reminder…

_Oh please, baby, won't you take my hand_

_We've got nothing left to prove_

How could he just leave like that, like he had never felt anything? I know that there must be at least some residual feelings down there somewhere, that there must be the tiniest inkling of guilt for leaving me in this state, that he must still care. It's the way he is—he can't _not_ care. He cares too much sometimes. I realize I'm staring again and…

He meets my gaze through the window, and my chest explodes.

_And I didn't mean for this to go_

_As far as it did_

His eyes seem as if they are fighting against showing any surprise or even widening a bit as his head tilts at the slightest angle. He doesn't move, but I do. After all this, I can't watch this forever…as much as I hate to say it, why couldn't we have kept it to that one night, that first night?

_And I didn't mean to get so close_

_And share what we did_

As I run back to my bedroom, images of those fateful months hinder my vision, and I trip on tables and messes in the hallway. His smile, the wall, the first kiss, the laundry basket—I can't keep straight what is past and what is present. Is that my front door creaking open? I thought I locked it. Probably my imagination; after all, half of what's passing before my senses seems to be.

_And I didn't mean to fall in love_

_But I did_

I've fallen in love and now I no longer can keep my head above it. I'm drowning and I have no live-preserver. A slow internal death is not for me—why can't the pain engulf me completely and get it over with? Torment and love are ripping my lungs apart…I can barely breathe…I can barely hear…I'm hearing his voice down the hall for God's sake. Now I know I'm delirious…this needs to end…why didn't I organize my medicine cabinet better?

_And you didn't mean to love me back _

_But I know you did_

The only thing that's worse than love unrequited is love cruelly snatched away at its pinnacle, leaving the victim to fall the many miles to a sudden, torturous end.

_And I didn't mean to meet you then_

_When we were just kids_

What an immature decision I made. Why did I split him between Abigail and I? To think that I could compare to the blonde…ridiculous. Why won't the voices go away? Why won't their echoes stop reverberating? Haven't I taken enough painkillers to drown them away to nothing? Apparently not…

_And I didn't mean to give you chills_

_The way that I kiss_

Black tinges the edge of my vision as I recall how my emotions conquered everything I did…he wondered how I could have such an effect over him when I'd never had a steady relationship…instead of joy another bullet of pain settles in my stomach.

_And I didn't mean to fall in love_

_But I did_

I fell in love and am finally drowning…black impinges more on the view of my bedroom. At last I will escape these nightmares.

_And you didn't mean to love me back_

_But I know you did_

How could he do what he did with me without love? He's not heartless…he's not heartless…

_Don't say you didn't love me back _

'_Cause you know you did_

Hallucinations…these pills work wonders: they're making my final wishes of seeing him again come true…he rushes in as I distantly feel myself fall to the floor. In a somewhat panicked manner, the illusion falls to his knees beside me. How kind of my subconscious to grant me this one favor… black and darkness spread like a puddle toward the center of my vision, his grieved face. Why should this mirage be so upset? It only _seems_ real…

_No, you didn't mean to love me back_

As my eyelids droop and my vision fails, my floundering ears faintly pick up a tormented cry…the illusion fades in and out. I can feel my face being buried in the surprisingly tangible cloth of his jacket before being wrenched away, its lips brushing my own. The slightest amount of satisfaction pings my heart…and then…

Nothing.

_But you did_

XXX

**Sorry for being so dark. (sweatdrop)**

**Please review. (You know you want to…right?)**


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